Daily Journal 4/5/2018

Hello everyone. Sorry I missed yesterday posting on here and got a late start today. I just got out of a doctor’s appointment where a cast was put on my foot because of a diabetic ulcer under my big toe. Now, I am sitting out in front of a chiropractor’s office where my husband is getting checked and adjusted because of a car accident he was in. He was the passenger and the driver thought doing sixty in a thirty-five zone would be beneficial to get to where I was dealing with my sister-in-law having a bad seizure. A car suddenly stopped in front of them and they rear-ended it. He is okay but his neck and back hurt and he cannot help me as much because of it.

After we leave here we are stopping by the dealership to have our car washed and then back home where I can get some writing done. I miss my writing but now things are going back to normal and our friend came home from the hospital today which is great because we missed him. I thought that I would have had my next book ready for the editor at the beginning of this month but things got crazy for a minute dealing with family and now that I have washed my hands of them I am free to get back to living my life.

Today, the plan is to get back into working on it and having it ready before the end of the month. The way things look I might be able to have the two books I have been working on ready for the editor. I can write pretty much a whole five-thousand-word chapter a night when left alone which means that both books should be completed. Also, I have in mind of writing an erotic short story book which wouldn’t take long because I have what I need to get started. I just need to find out where to publish it at since Amazon might not appreciate it being on their site. I will have to check into it.

I do have a few things to do when I first get home like starting some laundry, sweeping and mopping the floors, and thinking about what to cook for dinner. Yes, being with a cast on my leg I still have to do things around the house. It is my punishment because I don’t know how to stay off my feet, lol.

Well, we made it home and was happy to see my friend home from the hospital. My husband is now trying to fix one of the lawnmowers so the grass can be cut. I am sitting out here on the porch writing this post so that I can also spend time with him and the dogs out in the yard.

So, let me get started on my writing while I am just sitting here on my butt with this cast on. I should be able to keep posting every day now with everything calming down and my stress level lowering. I feel pretty good today and actually look forward to tomorrow.

Well, let me get off here and get to writing and I wish everyone an awesome evening. Take care.

 

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Daily Journal 1/29/2018

It’s a quarter to midnight here and I am about to play some games to wind down for bed. It has been a grueling day for me with so much going on. I got up this morning, had one cup of coffee, and then had to clean house since it isn’t going to clean itself.

There are three grown adults in this house but I seem to be the only one who cares what the house looks and smells like. Everyone curses the roaches but doesn’t seem to help me get rid of them and keep them away.

I have cleaned my room and the dogs’ room every day and took a break from cleaning the kitchen to see if anyone else would clean it? It sat with almost every dish dirty in the sink and on the counter, but no one seems to care.

To me, a filthy house is chaos. It drives me crazy. I guess that is part of my OCD. Everything has to be clean and organized before I can even sit and relax. So today I started cleaning the kitchen but was not happy about it and I made it clear to everyone in the house.

I seem to be everyone’s maid, cook, and secretary. No one can seem to help or do stuff for themselves and I can’t wait to see my therapist in the morning so I can vent to him, lol. Tomorrow is my nephews’ divorce court hearing and I had to print up the divorce packet, fill it out, and then drag him down to the courthouse to file it.

I understand that he has mental issues but this is the third time I have filed this paperwork for him because his wife manipulates him. She threatens to take his kids who he has custody of unless he cancels the divorce hearing and so he does.

Everyone relies on me too much to do things for them and I have to figure out a way to break the cycle. If I take a break from cleaning, the house will get filthier and then it will just drive me crazy and I can’t function enough to write or do anything else for that matter.

It’s like I try to concentrate on writing, but the house has to be clean and smelling good for me to relax enough to get the creative juices flowing. So I get up and do everything just so I can sit and focus. Everyone gets on to me because I sit locked away in my room writing and working on things for my book like advertising, blogging, and tweeting.

I love being alone in that sense and don’t care if I ever go outside as long as there are books to write. There are not enough hours in a day for me to get everything done. Right now everyone is asleep and I enjoy the peace and quiet to be able to write.

Sometimes I get up early in the morning and get the coffee going and dogs out so that I can get some writing done before the chaos and drama wakes up around here. I will figure something out soon. I just have to have some faith. So I want to say goodnight to everyone and “Happy Birthday” to everyone who had a birthday today. I wish you many more. Take care everyone.

Daily Journal 11/17/2017

Morning dear friends and family. How are we doing this morning? I woke up feeling pretty good and I know it is because they increased the dosage in some of my medications plus gave me a new one to keep the nightmares away. Thank you so much doctor for that because that is the main reason why I haven’t been sleeping much and beating my husband up while I sleep and he thanks you for that, lol.

It is another beautiful day here in Dalton, Georgia with the sun shining and hardly any breeze but there is a mild chill in the air. It was decent enough to take my dogs out and hang outside for a while. I came back in and made the bed and cleaned up around the house and now I am ready to get to work.

I sat here last night and got another chapter edited and will be back to writing on the new book today. I am so excited to get back to writing that it isn’t even funny. I have been going through withdrawals not being able to write. Now that things are pretty much calmed down I can take care of business. It has been a slow progress with all the drama that has been going on but now it is over and a nice quiet place to sit and work on my writing.

I’m hoping to have two books ready for the first of the month to publish and get out into the world and a few more in December ready for the first of the year. I am looking for people who would like to read an early copy and only asking for those people to leave a review on the Amazon website. If interested please send me a message with your email address and I will put you on the list to receive a copy once they are edited and before their launch.

Well, it is time to stop here and get to work. I have a short story to write and post on the site and I wish everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and to everyone else have an awesome Friday. Take care.

Daily Journal 11/12/2017

Hello to all my family and friends. It has been one exhausting weekend. First, there was the house cleaning for the weekend plus laundry, then our nephew and his three kids moved next door, and then trying to get our room cleaned and my desk set up and organized. There was no relaxation during the weekend.

My nephews soon to be ex-wife, who is under investigation for sexual child abuse and endangerment actually sent children services to take her children away from their father and put into states care. She is just so ignorant. She is not even stable herself so I guess she expects the state to take care of her children.

That has been the drama for the weekend. Once they didn’t take the children, she was trying to have my husband arrested for something he didn’t do. I honestly don’t know where her mind is. Then, she finally tells her husband, my nephew the truth that she is unsure who the father is of all three children. She has done nothing but hurt him and the children are suffering because of it.

On to other things, I have now figured out how to get my writing done and will be implementing it tomorrow. I have been doing some editing still on “The Battle for Joshua” and a little writing here and there on my next book. It seems to be my coping mechanism where I can get away from this world and go to a world I create for relaxation.

It has been such a pleasure writing my stories that I have found a happy place for me to be. My family has loved reading my short stories and the first two books that I have published but I want the whole world to read my books and enjoy my stories. I plan to have at least another two to four books published by the end of the year.

I am currently looking for beta readers who would like a copy of my book to read in exchange for a review written on Amazon. I think everyone especially women should read my first book titled “How I Survived: Prostitution”. It is written based on true events and would give women an insight as to the life a woman must live on the streets.

Well, for now, I must end this here even though I love talking to my readers and connecting but there are things I must get done. I wish everyone with a birthday “Happy Birthday” and for everyone else to have an awesome night. Take care.

Daily Journal 10/10/2017

Today has not been a very good day at all for me. Not only am I sick, but it just seemed like everything around me came crashing down this morning that invoked a mental breakdown. My husband and sister-in-law had to sick me down and let me cry for a few because I was feeling so angry that I just wanted to hit something.

Every little thing agitated me this morning and I became snappy at everyone around me and it just seemed like one thing after another came crashing down. I have come to realize that everyone else’s problems should be their own and not mine because besides having my own problems I have to deal with their issues and drama as well.

We moved our bedroom into the living room and our new mattress showed up this morning and the rest of our bed frame and everything should be here in the morning. My husband made a little corner of the room my corner so that it was my space. I can feel safe in my little corner without being bothered by anyone. This will be where I spend most of my time under the supervision of my husband so that I can remain safe.

I feel like I just want to isolate from the world again except through my writing. I have a heart of gold that wants to always open and help everyone around me even when it is detrimental to my own health and well-being, but I have to stop so that people cannot take advantage of my kindness anymore.

I want to devote myself to full-time writing so that I can share my stories plus make a better life for my husband, myself, and my dogs which are my babies. I cannot let everyone else’s drama interfere with my life anymore because it doesn’t help me and my family any and I am so tired of the stress.

Sometimes I wish I could just blink my eyes and my husband, babies, and I could just disappear to a deserted island or a place where no one else lived just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with other people. Even some family members are so screwed up that you know I go out of my way to help them and they slapped my face once and here they are getting ready to do it again and I can’t handle it.

Here we go again, I really feel like hitting something and getting all this pent up frustration out. I am going to put my face and mind in the computer and stay there and not deal with anyone else in this house except my husband. I have just had enough. I am canceling all appointments for tomorrow and just take some time for myself. I NEED IT!!

My therapist last week gave me an assignment to draw all the masks that I have ever used in life to hide the real me and give them a physical identity. It was supposed to be something I could do but right now the only mask wanting to come out would be anger and I need to roll my emotions back first before beginning this assignment. I apologize Jennifer that it is not possible at the moment.

Well, I need to get off here because I could rant and rave all day and it would not do me any good or anyone else. I want to wish everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and everyone else a glorious day.

Daily Journal 9/18/2017

Hello, everyone. I just got up from a well-rested nap and I feel pretty good today. It has been very stressful around here the last few days. It came down to us having to move because of a certain situation, but after discussing it several times we finally came to a conclusion that as of right now we are not moving because we feel we are being forced out by others living in this house so they can have their way and we are not taking it. They are not going to win.

My sister-in-law is having a really rough time right now with all of the stress and drama going on in the house that she has actually isolated herself to her bedroom because she doesn’t want to hear all of the excuses and drama anymore. She woke up this morning very depressed and my husband and I had to keep her company for a bit until she began to feel better.

I, myself, went to bed at a fairly decent hour last night and slept almost all night except for a mishap in my sleep, but woke up feeling good until I saw my sister-in-law. Things have been good for the week as far as my writing is concerned. I have finished my Joshua manuscript and it is ready for its first round of editing. I have the first chapter of my next book already written and look forward to writing the second chapter tonight. It has been difficult to write with people screaming and crying in the house but I will be using my headphones so I don’t have to hear it anymore.

Well, things should get very interesting around here over the next couple of days and I will leave you with that information until I write again tomorrow. Everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and to everyone else have an awesome evening. Take care.

Daily Journal 6/11/2017

Hello, Everyone! How are you today? My night went to crap last night when I watched our one-year-old rabbit take her last few breaths. We have no clue what happened but she started losing weight about a week ago. It was only yesterday that she refused to eat anything. We buried her at approximately two-thirty this morning. My husband and I could not go to sleep until it was after daylight. It’s hard because she was a family member not just a pet. I beat myself up because had we not moved into this house she would still be alive.

Other than that, I just got up to my roommate bitching about the power bill because we have used fifty dollars worth of power in a week. She thinks that with three people living in this house the power should be under a hundred dollars a month, I don’t think so. So, she is ranting and raving about flipping the main breaker and turning off the power to the whole house. I almost told her that if she would stop doing laundry just to leave it around for her animals to spray and urinate on she would not have to do twenty loads of laundry every week.

I am just so over living here with her and will keep myself in our room unless I need to use the restroom or get something to drink. She gets high on meth every so often but says she doesn’t. I watch her and I can tell when she is high but my husband doesn’t see everything and I have tried telling him. Well, we had company the other night while my roommate was high and even our company caught on and when my husband asked our roommate if she was high, she quickly said “yes”.

I am waiting on my last lump sum payment from social security to get us out of here. This is just getting to be too much and I don’t need the extra added stress. She also thinks that I am her maid and should be cleaning out her cat boxes and pee pads all over the house. I have told her that these are not my animals and I should not have to clean up after them. She really got my goat the other day when I cleaned the kitchen completely just for her to have all of her cats on top of the counter to feed them where she spills cat and dog food everywhere and doesn’t wipe it up.

I’m sorry to be ranting but I am so over this crap with her I could scream. I almost ready to not pay any bills this coming month just to get us out of here. I don’t know what else to do. Well, let me get back to working on my book and I will talk again soon. I wish everyone a great and awesome day.

Be Blessed!

Accusations Cause Disrespect

You know everything you think about can sometimes make you or break you. People, like myself, who have mental health issues hold a lot of things in whether they are good or bad. We can be some of the nicest people you will ever meet, but we can also explode like a nuclear bomb when setting off. The best part is society tries to hold us accountable for our actions but a doctor will tell different based on each individual’s mental health status. A good scenario will be one of my experiences. I have told my step-mother-in-law that I never know how I am going to wake up every morning whether I am going to have a good day or bad day. The moment I walk into the room, she is all over me about something, whether it is “telling me”that I am cooking dinner, or when I am going to wash our clothes. She is just overbearing sometimes and I don’t understand how my father-in-law puts up with her. All day long she does nothing but complain and gossip. Yet, she professes to be an “anointed” Christian. She tries to stick her nose into other people’s business just so she has something to gossip about.

Well, she has not wanted for anything as far as food is concerned for the last seven months.We have packed both her refrigerator and stand-up freezer with food and it isn’t good enough for her she wants more like the glutton she is. She is maybe four feet tall and weighs just as much as me at about two hundred and fifty pounds. Granted I stand about six feet and built like a football player. Everyone on this side of the family calls her a “troll”, but I have tried to be nice. She just makes it impossible. Whenever I bake a cake I am required to share it with her, but she made a cake tonight, and when I politely asked her for a piece, she accused me of stealing, or sneaking, cake out of the house. I went in to grab a few cans of ravioli’s and this is what I’m met with. I am so angry that I cried. It is so petty to accuse someone of taking some food, but it is the respect thing and the fact that she accused me of taking food when for the last seven months she has been eating off of my husband and myself. She even feeds her daughter, who makes more money than God, with the food we put in the house. She doesn’t think she does any wrong and I am so over it and tired of holding my tongue to this woman but I do out of respect for my father-in-law. I respect him but she has lost any respect from me and she will find out when we buy food again.

She made the comment the other that we have to buy groceries and we are not doing it. We live in a tent in their yard so we will act like we are homeless and buy food that doesn’t need to be kept in a house. I have done it for twenty-three years out of my life it will not hurt me to do it again for a few more weeks. This makes eight months we have lived in this tent and she has spent the better of most of it tormenting me and I feel unsafe in my environment because she brings me to my boiling point too often. It frustrates my husband every time I have to tell him about something she did because she only does it when no one is around. We have caught her in a lie once and she got mad and walked into the other room, so I know she will not like what I have to say to her if I explode.

You know it’s one thing to accuse me of stealing something worth money or that is valuable, but don’t accuse me of taking some cake or food when I didn’t, but it is just the principle behind it. We have supported her for eight months with food and she wants to accuse me of stealing some of her dry ass cake. I need out of here and into this house so badly I can almost taste it. I don’t want to say I hate her because it is not in me to hate someone, I just dislike her very much but have to play the good daughter-in-law until tomorrow when we go to the store and buy some more food with our last money to keep down in the tent with us. I’m sorry everyone I just need to vent so that I can let it go and pull my anger back. Thanks for listening.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Sometimes life can get in the way of your dreams or even hold you back a little. I know from personal experience how badly that can happen and how long it could take to finally see that light at the end of the tunnel. I have had quite a few hard times in life to know that it takes will-power mostly to hold on and endure through even the hardest of times. I spent my life being a people pleaser and not looking out for number one and it did take a toll on me mentally. I let people control me, my thinking, my life and it got me nowhere. Everyone is only out to get what they can get and sometimes that isn’t enough.

My life was full of heartache and dismay that it took me down some dark tunnels even to the point of contemplating self-harm. I got caught up in a whirlwind of drama, drugs, and sex that it made me think that I was only good enough for one thing and that was to please everyone else in order for them to like me. How could I expect everyone else to like me when I didn’t even like myself. I put up a mask for everyone just so they wouldn’t see how hurt I was feeling or depressed.

No one really knew the real me because I didn’t know the real me. I always played right into everyone else’s hand and fell for all of the mean jokes because at one point I didn’t care what happened. My whole life consisted of waking up every morning just to please everyone else at my expense. I was fading out pretty fast until someone who was close to me opened my eyes up to some critical thinking and that is when I started to realize I was worth more than any treasure.

God himself finally spoke to me and also showed me where my life was headed, but he also showed me another path as well. Once I realized all those feelings I was having, mostly when things were going wrong, it was His son holding my hand as I walked through the valley of the shadow of death. Literally, I was heading down a path that would end in my death.

Would anyone miss me? I don’t think so because that is how low my self-esteem and my environment had taken me. I was pretty much dancing the tango with the devil and would have sold him my soul if God had not intervened. God knew I needed someone to remind me of how much I was worth and so he sent me my current husband who loves me no matter what. He supports me even when I can’t support myself.

I deal with past issues every day and my husband always reminds me how much he loves me and that I can do anything I set my mind too. I can’t believe he tells me that even when I beat him up in my sleep from nightmares. But he loves me and now I can see that light at the end of the tunnel and how green those pastures are.

Everyone goes through some hard times and that’s okay because we are human. Some have it harder than others but that doesn’t make them any less of a person or makes them any better or lower in class. We are all equal and all bleed red when cut. It just takes some of us a little longer and with the correct vision to see that bright light at the end of the tunnel. When you do finally see it, even if it is a mile away, keep walking towards it and jumping all the hurdles along the way. One day you will be resting in those green pastures without a care in the world.

 

The Wicked Money Hungry Step Mother

Dalton, Georgia was a nice small town community with lots of memories for most folks, but it turned into one of the most exhausting, tormenting times for a couple named Carl and Brenda. Carl was a man of five foot nine, athletic build, shaved head and goatee. He had just gotten out of prison back in two thousand and ten for a crime he was innocent of which made him a sex offender for life. He suffered from bipolar disorder and schizophrenia for which he was receiving disability payments every month. He met his bride soon after getting out of prison at a mutual friends house one day and they became friends. It wasn’t until two thousand and thirteen when they finally decided to start dating.

Brenda lived alone with her two dogs Kayla and Kymarra in a one bedroom house she was renting from a slumlord who refused to fix anything. Carl would go over to her house to visit and their romance began. He would visit almost every day and both of them hated to see him leave. Brenda was a tall woman of six feet and her weight was proportionate to her height and build. When Carl first met her she was a phone actress for an entertainment company that serviced male callers. She was an independent woman taking care of herself and her dogs. She was a workaholic most days and did the best she could to look after her little family. Every night after Carl would leave to go home they would be on messenger together talking for hours.

One night, Brenda asked him through messenger if he would marry her, but was only joking about it, when Carl made the statement that he wanted to ask her that question the next day when he came over. So they chatted for a bit longer before Brenda was supposed to report for work. The next day when Carl came to visit he did in fact ask Brenda to marry him to which she agreed. From that moment on their relationship blossomed into a loving one which made them spontaneously decide to go to the courthouse to get married, and they did.

Once married, they went to his sister’s house who was happy for them and they became a family, which Brenda had not had in many years. They were going to his sisters for dinner or to visit almost every day. One day, Carl decided to find another house to live in because he felt his new bride deserved a better place. He found that house and quickly moved her in. She loved this new house because for one it was bigger than her old one. They tried to make it a home but stress played a part in Brenda becoming unhappy because she want to find a house to buy. Well, Carl’s other sister lived across the street from them and talked it over with his brother-in-law about the house next door to them for which he owned.

The agreement was made that they would commit to a rent to own deal so they could buy a house and make Brenda happy. It wasn’t long before the brother-in-law became a jerk to them and wanted more money and control over who came to visit. That made Carl and Brenda very disappointed. Not only did he want more money and control, but the breaker box in the house burned out and they were without power. The brother in law was notified the very same day but refused to fix the problem and only wanted his money every month. Carl and Brenda soon got bored and tired of his threats and decided to move out.

They ended up pitching a tent in Carl’s fathers’ backyard. Now Carl had a decent relationship with his father but the step mother wanted her say in everything. Carl and Brenda pretty much lost everything to live in a tent until they could find a place of their own. It was only supposed to be temporary but lasted longer than they wanted because Brenda herself became disabled and was waiting on her checks to come through which would help them move into their own house again.

Now Brenda had done everything she could to make things good between her and the step mother, but the step mother started to show her true side which was being money hungry. Carl and Brenda were living in a tent with nothing but a bed, television, and three dogs because Carl got a dog of his own, and Brenda was not working anymore. They had to live off of the little check that Carl drew each month which just barely covered their other bills. They had no extra money and then their car became inoperable which made things worse. Carl had to put off doctor’s appointments due to no transportation.

Bradford, Carl’s father, was a very supportive father and tried to do his best at helping his son and daughter in law out. He did this despite how the step mother felt about it. Brenda volunteered to clean their house for them, bought between three to five hundred dollars worth of food every month, and did whatever her and Carl could do around the house to help out. The step mother, Diana, was a very short woman who was overweight and a couch potato. All she really cared about was controlling the television and eating. Diana and Bradford had a mutual friend who was gay that they used to work with at one of the manufacturing plants here in town. She was always on the phone with him even during meal times.

Diana was a gossip who thought she knew everything and sometimes twisted the truth to suit her satisfaction. She never kept house but did most of the cooking. All she did all day when she was not cooking was complaining. Bradford did everything he could to ignore her because he has lived with her complaining for fourteen years now and was used to it. Well, even though Brenda helped out around the house by cleaning, some of the cooking, and putting food in the house, the step mother was always on to her about one thing or another.

She always complained to Brenda whenever the guys weren’t around and caused more stress on Brenda’s mind and body than she needed. Brenda was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. She didn’t have a good past and it still haunted her everyday. Brenda didn’t know how she would be from one day to the next and the step mother was slowly pushing her buttons. Brenda noticed that her step mother was unappreciative, greedy, money hungry, and soon disrespectful. It had gotten so bad that Brenda stopped cleaning her house and stayed most days in the tent just to not be around the step mother.

Now Brenda had always put plenty of food in the house and one month she only bought what was needed. It wasn’t good enough for the step mother so she complained. She verbally attacked the step daughter every time they were alone. Brenda couldn’t even walk into the house first thing in the morning without the step mother jumping on her about something. One day the step mother raised her voice and treated Brenda like she was a child and Brenda did everything she could to keep from going off on the woman, but went to the guys to tell them what happened. It made Brenda very upset that this woman could be so bad.

Carl and Brenda were doing everything they could to survive and didn’t need the step mother to cause more stress. Brenda wanted out of there more than the step mother did. Without having any money and the step mother knowing this, she constantly harped about some gas money to even go to the store two blocks away. She wanted money for everything even when Carl’s dad said we didn’t have to pay them gas money to take us anywhere. But the step mother persisted to beat down Brenda knowing that it could send her over the edge at any given time. To keep from having anymore confrontation with the step mother Brenda decided to start staying in the tent and not going into the house for anything but to shower.

When Brenda bought groceries this month and only bought what the house needed, she took half of the food down to the tent so her and Carl would have something to snack on at night. The step mother wasn’t well with things because Brenda didn’t even buy any meat this month and was complained at about that. Diana was just so annoying to Brenda and there wasn’t anything Brenda could do about it without causing more strife in the house. Brenda was at the point of pulling all the food from the house for which they were not even obligated to do but Carl and Bradford asked her to let it go.

Diana caught Brenda one morning when she went into the house to use the bathroom and complained some more to her about the food she bought and it stressed Brenda out to the point of which Brenda sat in the tent and cried. She was tired of being treated so badly. Diana stated to Brenda that because they weren’t paying any rent, nothing on the electric bill, and using their water, that it wasn’t fair or right when Brenda felt it was justified because she always put so much food in the house and even cleaned her house for her. Granted, Carl and Brenda did manage to give Bradford forty dollars one month towards the electric bill but Bradford hardly accepts any money from them because he understands how hard they are having it right now.

Carl and Brenda have discussed sitting down with Bradford and Diana and discussing what is going on, but Brenda is very cautious about that right now because she knows that what she says will make Diana angry and thus give way to a chance of them being evicted from the backyard. Bradford stated that he would not throw his son out because of a conflict with his wife, Diana.

Carl and Brenda have found a house that needs some renovations before moving in and are trying to come up with money to get it fixed. They can hardly wait to be rid of the step mother, Diana, and live on their own again. Bradford fears that once Carl and Brenda move that they will stay away and not visit. Carl and Brenda have already assured him that they will still visit him but keep a distance from Diana. Would you allow your step mother to treat you so badly and ungrateful? Any suggestions for Carl and Brenda to overcome the difficulties of living with the step mother?