Daily Journal 7/30/2017

I want to apologize for not being here for a few days because I have been dealing with some things on the inside. Both of my therapists have moved on to better jobs and so I am waiting for new ones to call to set up appointments to meet. New roommates are young and need some training in basic essentials of living like cleaning up behind themselves and being respectful and responsible and it is hard for me with my OCD and anxiety to cope with it all.

It built up so bad today that I had a break down earlier with anger and crying and my mental mood is barely hanging on. I feel like I need to isolate again from everyone just to cope which sometimes that is not a bad thing. It has put a hindrance on my book writing because it is clouding up my mind where my creativity is being blocked.

I had to clean the house today just to keep from blowing up at anyone and it seems like the more someone says something to me the more I want to just blow up. So, my husband knows that it is necessary to keep everyone away from me today until I feel better. It is one of those “I want to punch a glass window” day which would lead to a hospital visit which would stress me even more.

I have been trying to play games on Facebook just to help me put my mind somewhere else and cope but it does little good. I will be seeing the doctor tomorrow about my meds because I don’t think they are helping much at this point or maybe it is just me. I feel like I have been misdiagnosed or there is a new condition that should be addressed but I will find out tomorrow.

Let me get off of here and get my mind elsewhere and maybe even get some writing done. Maybe I should start writing something new to release my anger like a book about being a killer. I feel homicidal but my husband would not like me telling him that right now. It is bad enough he is walking on eggshells around me and that he has been out of medication himself since yesterday so we will butt heads every now and then.

I wish everyone a “Happy Birthday” who has a birthday today and a blessed day for everyone else in the world. Take care.

 

Daily Journal 3/17/2017

Happy St. Patricks Day Everyone! Did you have your green on today? Did you kiss the Blarney Stone or were you too busy chasing that little leprechaun trying to catch his pot of gold? It was an okay day for me, not too much going on. My husband and I had doctor appointments this morning and we only had enough money to get his prescriptions but I am good on medicine until the first of the month. He needs his more than I need mine is the way I look at it. After that, we came home to the tent and went back to sleep for a couple more hours since we had to get up so early.

My lower back has been burning and hurting all day, so much that I almost went to tears. I took my pain medicine and it just didn’t seem to help. I take it like it is prescribed and sometimes only as needed because I am not one who likes being “high” and without control. If I have to drive somewhere in the morning, I will skip the morning dose because I don’t drive under the influence.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately and my anxiety is up there. My anxiety and nerves are so bad that it is causing me to have hives again. I am still battling with some depression or the after effects of it because there is little motivation and I have to sit here and force myself to write because I have placed goals and deadlines on myself for my writing. I do not want to see failure and feel the regret of not finishing or completing my goal.

Being in this tent plays a large part in my depression because I want to be in this house so bad. I want to be back indoors living a normal life even though I try to live a normal one now in this tent. I stay isolated to this tent because I also suffer from a social disorder and I feel safe isolated away from everyone. That is what makes me a good writer because I have no distractions and no social life except for my husband and sister-in-law. My husband thinks it is funny when I have to go shopping because he can never keep up and he says it is like I am running a marathon because I can’t sit still very long around people. I feel that I am prepared enough that I can just go in get what I need and get out. So he stays in the car while I shop so I don’t wear him out.

The dogs have been really good since we have been here and my father-in-law says they are great at killing the rats around here. 🙂 We have a rabbit outside in a pen that the dogs just love to go inside and play with her. We have had her since she was a baby. She likes to play with us and it is funny to see her slap the food bag out of your hands. My animals are what keeps me going although I still have bad days where my mind is full of bad thoughts. I’m sorry if it seems like I am rambling on but I see no sense in sugarcoating anything and I feel that I need to tell it like it is.

If it weren’t for my husband I think I would have fallen apart long ago. He is my rock and shoulder to cry on when needed. He has his issues, but he places mine before his mostly. It is so hard for me to sit here right now because my back and hips are really achy. Well, I think I have bored everyone enough now so I will end here and I wish everyone a great evening. God Bless.