Daily Journal 4/3/2018

Today has been such a free feeling for me. I have had nothing but stress and drama for the last few weeks outside of my own household. Today, I have been able to free myself from all that hinders me and my marriage. I am no longer responsible for people who don’t appreciate anything, want to control everything, greed for money and materialistic things, and drama filled lives. It was becoming such a burden on my life and mental health status that lots of bad things were beginning to happen within myself. I have put myself on hold for so long and doing for others, OUTSIDE of where we live, that it now feels like I can shed that old tired skin off and live life the way it was meant for living.

I do not speak for my husband, but I must refrain from associating with his side of the family to keep myself positive and moving forward. They live differently than what I am used to and have different values than my own. It seems that what is pleasing and satisfying to them, makes me feel like I am just stuck in a sphere or frozen state never moving forward and only being content with dullness. It seems that some of them only survive to take what they can get from others, sucking the very essence and life out of everyone around them.

I guess it is true that misery really does love company and they are a perfect example of that. No one can really be happy around them and it is liberating to be free from them and only being able to live and be happy as only I know how. Like I said, I cannot speak for my husband, and I will never keep him from them, but we have a better life ahead of us and God will be leading the way.

Now, on to better notes, I am regaining a piece of me that had hid for a few weeks not knowing when it would be safe to poke it’s head out and enjoy what life has to offer. I am shedding off hinderances and putting back up on the shelves childish things to use what God has given me. It has been a rollercoaster ride for the past few years with lots of family leaving this life and moving on to a better place without pain and sorrow. There are not too many of the elders left and when they are all gone it would be hard because of no one being there to answer my still sought-after questions of life and advice. The world is going to hell in a handbag and I refuse to sit around and let life pass me by.

Today, I begin writing again and exploring fantasy so I can escape from what ails me. Sometimes, it is good to get away and relax on that white sandy beach watching the white-capped waves as they roll in. I have been so distraught over life that I seriously need a break and will find that in my stories. One of my future books will change or be deleted because of family drama. Writing it would bring ill feelings and I don’t want to return to that negative place.

I hope everyone had an awesome Easter with family and friends and I will end this post here and bid everyone a good night. Before I go, I do want to send prayers out to someone I know who is in the hospital right now and for a speedy recovery because he is missed here at home. 🙂

 

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Daily Journal 2/15/2018

I truly apologize for not posting since January 31st. There have been a lot of things going on with my health which has caused a lot of turmoil. I was scheduled to see my psychiatrist for my next refills of medication but we had some freak snow storms coming through which Dalton panics and everything shuts down. So, I never made it to my doctor and ran out of medication for ten days which caused some serious withdrawals which concerned my husband enough to make me housebound and even he called the pharmacy asking them to get ahold of my doctor for refills.

They finally got ahold of the doctor and refilled my medications so I am back on my mental health medication. Then, I went to see my primary care doctor and I have a diabetic ulcer on the bottom of my big toe which I now have to wear a walking boot until my appointment with wound care on Monday. I also have a major infection in the same foot which the doctor has me on a strong antibiotic for the infection.

On top of everything else, Now I am having bowel issues. I fill like I have to go only to sit in pain on the toilet as my body has contractions making me push when there is nothing there to push out. Having this issue for the past few days, I ended up prolapsing my anus which I had to take a hot bath and push it back in. I have been having severe abdominal cramps which has made me want to sleep so that my bowels can rest and I can be pain-free for a few hours. I have been walking gently while holding my lower abdomen so that it is not jarred. I have actually been miserable for the past few days.

Things here at home have been a little out of sorts. My husband and I are good and have been spending time with each other, but the relationship between his sister and I has been awkward. I have no clue as to what is going on but the closeness that we used to share is not there anymore. It feels like we are miles apart and all she does is stay in her room. I understand that I stay in my room a lot but I am being productive with my writing and getting things done. It seems we are drifting apart and losing the closeness we used to share.

Now you see that I am as normal as anyone else and have issues like any normal human being. I am always looking to make my relationship with my readers more personal so that you can get to know me better. I am no better than anyone else and I hope through my postings I have proved that.

Well, now that I feel a little better and have some energy I am going to get back to working on some things to keep moving forward. I hope everyone had a perfect and special Valentine’s Day and will talk again soon. Take care.

Daily Journal 10/15/2017

Good evening, everyone. So sorry for it being so late but was doing some fall cleaning which needed to be done seriously. It has been an exhausting day with all the cleaning and what not but my mood is okay today.

I have been out of my fast acting insulin for a few days now and only surviving on the long-acting which has been doing good keeping my sugar down. I have been watching what I eat so that there are no sugar spikes. I will be going to a convenient care clinic tomorrow to get a prescription for fast-acting insulin because my next primary care doctor appointment isn’t until October thirtieth.

I felt good enough to cook dinner today which was roast with potatoes, carrots, and some onions. It came out so delicious and everyone liked it. I have not cooked a good meal like that in a very long time and told my sister-in-law that we need to go back to having good dinners on Sunday which used to be one of my traditions.

As for my writing, I am working on the second round of editing for “The Battle for Joshua” and have plans to send to the editor around the end of the month. I have begun the fourth chapter of my next book which is the first in a vampire series and I look to reading it when done.

My sleep has been broken again and then I got a call that I cant see my mental health doctor or therapist at this one clinic because of my Medicare insurance. So tomorrow I will be calling another place and seeing what they have to offer. I have seen this doctor before and she prescribed me medication that actually didn’t work for me so I am curious as to what she will give me now?

I am finally winding down being sick and now my husband is sick and not feeling well at all. He brags that he doesn’t get sick but sure enough, he was wrong and has what every other person in this house has and that is an upper respiratory infection with bronchitis. I am finally getting over mine and loving every minute of it because I hate being sick.

I should be able to get back on schedule tomorrow now that I feel better but we will see. I hope everyone had a great weekend and look forward to going back to work tomorrow? To everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and everyone else I wish you to have a quiet relaxing night. Take care.

Daily Journal 10/10/2017

Today has not been a very good day at all for me. Not only am I sick, but it just seemed like everything around me came crashing down this morning that invoked a mental breakdown. My husband and sister-in-law had to sick me down and let me cry for a few because I was feeling so angry that I just wanted to hit something.

Every little thing agitated me this morning and I became snappy at everyone around me and it just seemed like one thing after another came crashing down. I have come to realize that everyone else’s problems should be their own and not mine because besides having my own problems I have to deal with their issues and drama as well.

We moved our bedroom into the living room and our new mattress showed up this morning and the rest of our bed frame and everything should be here in the morning. My husband made a little corner of the room my corner so that it was my space. I can feel safe in my little corner without being bothered by anyone. This will be where I spend most of my time under the supervision of my husband so that I can remain safe.

I feel like I just want to isolate from the world again except through my writing. I have a heart of gold that wants to always open and help everyone around me even when it is detrimental to my own health and well-being, but I have to stop so that people cannot take advantage of my kindness anymore.

I want to devote myself to full-time writing so that I can share my stories plus make a better life for my husband, myself, and my dogs which are my babies. I cannot let everyone else’s drama interfere with my life anymore because it doesn’t help me and my family any and I am so tired of the stress.

Sometimes I wish I could just blink my eyes and my husband, babies, and I could just disappear to a deserted island or a place where no one else lived just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with other people. Even some family members are so screwed up that you know I go out of my way to help them and they slapped my face once and here they are getting ready to do it again and I can’t handle it.

Here we go again, I really feel like hitting something and getting all this pent up frustration out. I am going to put my face and mind in the computer and stay there and not deal with anyone else in this house except my husband. I have just had enough. I am canceling all appointments for tomorrow and just take some time for myself. I NEED IT!!

My therapist last week gave me an assignment to draw all the masks that I have ever used in life to hide the real me and give them a physical identity. It was supposed to be something I could do but right now the only mask wanting to come out would be anger and I need to roll my emotions back first before beginning this assignment. I apologize Jennifer that it is not possible at the moment.

Well, I need to get off here because I could rant and rave all day and it would not do me any good or anyone else. I want to wish everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and everyone else a glorious day.

Daily Journal 10/4/2017

Hello, everyone. Sorry to have not been here but I have been battling a severe cold with my sinuses and lungs. I am on antibiotics and cough suppressant now which make me a little groggy. I have had no appetite and always sleeping, but I finally got to my primary care doctor and we are working on getting me back to better health.

Today I just found out that the roommates with five kids will be moving out which will take away a lot of stress and drama. It is bad when you are trying to write and listening to a bunch of kids yelling and screaming and the parents do nothing about it.

Today I finished up the second chapter to my next book and began writing the third chapter which I am finding it interesting where my story is taking me. It will be a book series and I look forward to writing each one. I am also learning about myself as I write which is a good thing.

My husband has been very supportive of my writing and he takes care of me when I am sick. I cannot believe I married my best friend and such a loving person as him. I thank each day for God bringing him into my life because I am truly happy with him. He makes me feel like I am somebody.

Well, it is time for me to say goodnight and I wish everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and to everyone else have an awesome evening. Take care.

 

Daily Journal 9/26/2017

Hello, everyone. Good evening friends and family old and new. It has been a day full of trials here at home and being sick does not help any. I have been sick since about Thursday evening and still dealing with the symptoms which have taken a toll on me today. I have already spoken to my husband and sister-in-law about precautions I am going to have to take since no one else in this house cares about my health.

The five children in this house have been passing upper respiratory infections back and forth because no one wants to wash their hands even after using the bathroom and do not cover their mouths when coughing or sneezing so I will be getting my own utensils, plate, bowl, and cup to keep sterile in my room.

Being diabetic and with a weak immune system, I am susceptible to getting pneumonia or worse and I will not allow these things to happen. My husband, sister-in-law, and I have agreed to go back to eating healthy since the others in the house love fried, greasy, and fatty foods which would do more harm to my health. So the bad foods stop here.

I finally have a good primary care doctor appointment set up for Monday to get my health back together. I have been dealing with hypoglycemia here lately to where the symptoms have been a little worse with each time. I need better diabetes management and better health care than I was getting from the health department. I made the effort and found someone I could trust with my health.

Now, on to my writing, it has been hard with me being sick and in bed, but I have managed to get the first one-thousand words of the second chapter of the new book written and should be writing some more this evening. I am trying to keep my spirits up so that I can enjoy writing again without all the distractions going on in this house but am hopeful that it will get better.

My husband just made me a snack because I have maybe eaten twice in the past four days due to having no appetite. So, I will say good night here and to everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and to everyone else have an awesome night. Take care.

 

Daily Journal 9/15/2017

Happy Friday, Everyone!! It is finally the end of the work week for most and I am so excited that it is over because of having to get up early to go to doctor’s appointments. I had another rough night last night with not being able to sleep even with my meds. I ended up going to sleep at about four fifteen this morning and was back up at six o’clock. I stayed up until about nine because I had to take my niece to the insurance office to get insurance on her new vehicle and when I got back home I was feeling funny and queezy so I went to bed and just got up.

I am feeling okay now and ready to get to work on today’s stuff. I have started writing my next manuscript and already have five hundred words of the first chapter written and hopefully will be finishing the first chapter today. I have so many books running through my head and it is fun writing stories as I see them in my mind like I am there with my characters. I feel the emotions and actions of them which makes it so cool.

Since moving here to my husband’s sisters house, we have been more relaxed and my husband has gone back to being the affectionate man he used to be. He took care of my feet yesterday by washing them and putting lotion on them. With me being diabetic and having health issues he does everything he can to take care of me.

Well, it’s time to get to work and start writing. I hope everyone has a great Friday and to everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and we’ll talk again tomorrow. Take care.

Daily Journal 9/10/2017

Hello, everyone. Sorry to have disappeared for a few days. I have been dealing with some health issues that we haven’t quite figured out what is going on yet. I have been so tired and feeling so fatigued that all I do is want to sleep. I have no energy for anything and it frustrates me because I don’t know what is causing it. It has been going on for a couple weeks now but I will be seeing my therapist on Wednesday to see if she might have any ideas.

I actually sat here yesterday forcing myself to stay up and created my book writing monthly goal sheet. With everything from writing the chapters to three rounds of editing to sending it off to a professional editor, I will be writing my current list of books well into February two- thousand and nineteen. Not considering any other books I come up with between now and then, lol. I have a few ideas for some more but I have jotted them down just until I get my already extensive list of books down some. I plan to stay busy and creative.

As far as how my day is going, it is manageable. Yesterday my nephew’s girlfriend celebrated one of her son’s birthdays with a party to which I pretty much stayed in my room. I have been feeling somewhat isolated the last week or so and don’t care to be bothered with anyone else. I put on that happy face for everyone in the house but my husband and sister-in-law know that I am not being real and hiding what is going on on the inside. I am a person who holds everything in until I find a safe way to release it. I call it throwing up to my therapist, lol.

I know that I am getting older because of the way my body aches and hurts but I try to stay young at heart. Walking is difficult at times because my feet haven’t been cooperating with me lately, or hurting so much that I can’t walk. My husband tries to get me up and walking throughout the day but it hurts so bad. I remember back in two- thousand and ten when I walked from Orlando, Florida to the border of Texas for a charity walk for the homeless and here I can barely walk about thirty feet without hurting or stopping to rest.

I need to find a way to motivate myself and to keep myself up during the day but cannot figure out what to do. I have no problem sitting up at night and I have stayed up until three or four o’clock in the morning without even being tired. Those are days when I would get up in the morning and stay up all day too. I don’t know but I will be seeing my primary care physician on the twenty- sixth of this month if it is not mental health being the culprit.

Well, I will stop here so that I can make use of my up time and finish the last chapter of my book “The Battle for Joshua”. I will begin the first round of editing tomorrow and look forward to sending it off to the editor. So, to everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday”, and to everyone else have an awesome Sunday. Take care.

Daily Journal 9/4/2017

“Happy Labor Day, everyone!!” I did nothing but sleep today because I haven’t felt too good and then my sugar plummeted earlier and it made me shake real bad. I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything today after taking my insulin but we got my sugar back under control so all is good.

I have the first eleven chapters of Joshua printed up and ready for editing I just need to finish the last two chapters so I will have it completed in its entirety. I have been printing up and working on my addictions book notes and organizing the outline for the book. It has been less stressful being here with family and I just need to get my motivation back.

I have been feeling sick for the past few days with body aches and not being able to eat dinner for the last two nights. I walked to the nearest Dollar General to find an ethernet cable but only walked a huge blister into the pad of my foot which has now been doctored up to keep infection away.

My husband was going to soak my feet and then wash them and take care of them for me until I got this blister so now we have to wait until it heals. He takes really good care of me especially with me being a diabetic with mental health issues. I love him so much for everything he does for me and my dogs love him to death as well.

Well, it is back to work for everyone tomorrow and I will say my good nights now. To everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday”, and to everyone else, have a restful night. Take care.

Daily Journal 8/30/2017

Morning, everyone. How are we doing today? I wish I could say my day started off good, but it didn’t. When you have a family meeting and people are not willing to give in to compromise or allow someone to help to make a situation better is just so frustrating. Then, for them to make a statement that you accused them of not caring about their kids is hurtful when it was not meant that way and that was not even insinuated.

It just throws your whole day off and makes you not want to say anything else because it will be interpreted the wrong way. I will just keep quiet from now on and bury myself into my writing and save up money to move into our own place so that I won’t be a problem for anyone anymore.

I know that I might sound like a wuss but because of my mental health status, it makes me very vulnerable to people’s words. I take things so hard that it just happens and then the rest of my day is depressing and everything is hurtful and I find myself crying all day that it makes my husband frustrated because he can’t fix me.

Well, that is enough of my depressing talk, so I will end this post here and hopefully have a better tomorrow. To everyone with a birthday today, “Happy Birthday” and to everyone else, have an awesome hump day. Take care.